So, I just came from a fantastic midweek lesson
This one is a little different that what you are used to. a theme of the lesson was “Sexual Abuse” and the damage it does t our soul and our relationship with God. Just want to share some of what relates to me and how it impacted me.
He has made everything beautiful in its time
The English dictionary defines Beautiful as pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.
When something is beautiful, you delight in it.
when you are going through tough times, does this definition of beautiful describe you? i know for me, it does not. I do not express the beauty of God in my struggle . But why?
I have been going through this book lately called “The wounded heart” its a book written to help adult victims of childhood sexual abuse.
yes, it is as heavy as it sounds. I have had to remember the most horrific events of my life like when i was molested, times when i was exposed to sexual content that i shouldn’t have been exposed to and various ties when i have been abused. its been hell. Its been so painful that i want to tear my pwn mind out. I want to numb out, i spend some times super frazzled, because of what i am reading in the book and the memories and feelings they trigger. I rock back and forth in the corner of my room, crying because i do not want to remember, i do not want to feel but i know i must in order to be healed.
BEAUTY IN MY STRUGGLE? What? No!
My struggle is painful, my struggle I hate. I wasn’t to discard, I want to pretend doesn’t exist.
On top of that i realized that back then after i got abused, i blamed myself, i though “hey if only i wasn’t me, its because i was me; naive, too trusting, not guarded enough, that’s why i was taken advantage of”. That’s why i was violated, its my fault. So, i decided to create a new me so to speak. Taking cues from my environment, society, media, etc i created who i thought was acceptable to the world, a persona i could adopt to help me survive and not be taken advantage of again. And guess what? that’s what i have done. from my childhood to now, about 2 decades of a false reality which really is no reality at all. I even feel it. always have, i am uncomfortable in my own skin, i know that who i am is not the true me, i am all kinds of damaged, find it hard to be real, always want to be someone else, constantly seek people’s approval, want praise and recognition to feel better about myself, feel worthless when i am not recognized and so much more.
To be honest who i am sucks, the idol i have created is failing, i cant sustain it anymore and most of all, i cannot be useful to God as long as i keep being who he didn’t create me to be.
Now, i see that God is asking that i give up this current Dami to be who he created me to be in the first place. Who i am must die.
Now, this should be good news because who i am sucks, i know i am damaged and i just cant be at full capacity because i (the version i created long ago) i am not real but guess what? this is not how i feel about it. Instead i feel angry, i feel angry that God wants to take thisaway from me . that now i am supposed to trust him t kill the me i am used to , the me that i know to then replace me with his version?
I just feel so much anger, i feel wronged by God, like he has sinned against me and need to atone for it.
yes i am aware that that is arrogant and deserving of me getting struck by lightning but hey, its how i feel and one thing i have learned in my walk as a disciple of Jesus, “If i am real, there will be no healing”
Proverbs 23:7 NIV
for as he thinks within himself, / so he is
Proverbs 13:12 NIV
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
My hope has been defered for a long time over the course of several years in my life and boy is my heart sick.
The reason i don’t have in my struggle is because of my mindset. My mindset is sick because of what i have created because of how i have decided to see myself, the victim mentality i have adopted.
I have relied on my mind over the years to determine who i am . to save me from ever being abused again, to guard me from harm, but all this while, my mind has been sick.
The very thing i have relied on for survival is my enemy. I have deceived myself and made the lie an idol and now that i have to give it up, i am afraid, i am afraid of being empty, i am afraid of who i’ll be without it.
What do i do? This situation will either draw me away from God or towards him.
What to do?
The easiest answer is “Trust God” but then again easier said than done was never more true.
Buy the truth and do not sell it—
wisdom, instruction and insight as well. NIV
THE TRUTH. I cannot take out satan’s lies unless i first face the truth of what is going on. Now what i do is dig. Beg God to show me the truth and dig through my life, what i really feel towards God, searching out any offensive ways in me so that i can be led in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24)
So this is where i am at:
On the Journey to shine for God in my struggle. The journey is rough and the demand tall but i determined to not give up